Training children is at times a challenge for all parents. The parents of strong-willed children have additional challenges. Parents often complain that “I’ve tried everything,” meaning they have tried numerous different types of consequences in an attempt to get their little one to obey. Often times it is not the failure to apply a good consequence that is the problem. There are four components to any training strategy. If there is a breakdown in any of these four areas you will continue to struggle. 1) Establish and communicate clear instructions. 2) Apply some consequence for EVERY broken rule (as much as possible). 3) Reward good behavior and positive attitudes (mostly with words of praise). 4) Communicate love and acceptance at ALL times (even when they are in trouble). Space does not allow me to address all of these, but our “Behavior Basics” handout is a good place to get a more detailed introduction to each of these topics. You can find this handout on our website in the Patient Education section. The one area I would like to focus on with this article is the one that has the most to do with your long term success, communicating love and acceptance. When a child feels loved and accepted they want to please their parents. “I love my child very much,” you might say. Undoubtedly this is true for almost all parents. But I did not say that “loving” your child is the key to success, I said “communicating” love is the key.

To get a handle on this idea we need to step back a bit and get some perspective. I find that, like it our not, people parent according to their true knowledge of God. If you perceive that God is harsh and distant, then you will likely be harsh and distant with your children. If you perceive that God doesn’t care what you do, you will likely have few rules and little structure. You will only get involved when your kids get on your nerves. Neither understanding is true. Both lead to distant and ineffective parenting styles. In reflecting on this I have come to understand what I call the “gospel of the wooden spoon.” Wrapped up in the gospel of Christ is all the information we need to be effective parents in the example of God. The gospel of Christ goes like this: God has established boundaries for man to live within. He has done this out of His love and concern for our well-being and success. Man has and continues to attempt to live outside of those boundaries (broken God’s rules). This is called sin. Sin always requires a just response by God. Unfortunately for us, death is the only acceptable consequence for sin. So He came in the form of a man, lived without sin and paid the price for ours. For most people who know about the gospel of Christ the story ends here. We get to go to heaven when we die now, right? But the story does not end there. The secret of parenting God’s way is found in His motives. The whole point of sin is that it breaks relationship and connectedness to God. When we sin we are saying “we don’t trust you” or “I know better than you what is good for me.” Does this sound like any children you know? In short, sin is rebellion against our heavenly father. The reason God is willing to pay our debt of sin is so that we might have an opportunity to be reconnected to Him. The fact that he paid the price for our sin does not itself restore our relationship with God. What does? Repentance! Repentance simply means to admit you are wrong and God is right; to change your attitude and to submit to God’s authority. You will find that the longer you buck God’s authority in your life the harder life gets. This is because God loves you and is trying to bring you back to Him, where you are safe. The whole point of all of this is that God wants to be in an intimate, trusting relationship with you.

Do you want this with your kids? You can have it. Let’s see if I can flesh this out for you. When you give a rule it should be for your child’s benefit and your families well being. When your child disobeys your rule, he is challenging your authority to rule. According to our understanding of the gospel, this breaks relationship with you. Your relationship can not be restored until two things happen, a consequence is administered and repentance is gained. More often than not, a couple of swats to the rear side with a wooden spoon is the consequence in our house. This has an amazing and consistent effect. It brings repentance almost every time! But remember, our story is not over. The goal is to restore my relationship to my child. We are not done until we have embraced and I have expressed my love to my child for as long as it takes. The result? My child walks away with some stings on the behind, but the misdeed is corrected and she is sure of my love. Mission accomplished, relationship restored. It’s all about relationship!

We are talking about communicating love and acceptance to our children. When your child truly believes you love him and everything you do is because you love him, he will want to please you…..eventually. At some point in your parenting, you have to get your child on your side. If you have not accomplished this by the middle school years the battle will only get harder. If I had to summarize what I am trying to teach in this article it would be this: By all means administer consequences to your kids for disobedient acts. Do so in an unemotional way. Don’t yell or show frustration in your words or deeds. Embrace your child after the consequence and express your love and affection for as long as it takes. You will not “cancel out” the consequence. Punish the behavior; love the child. One more thing, it will help a lot if you will make things right with YOUR heavenly father.